The Power of Boundaries and Anger: How to Reclaim Your Space with Brian Mahan
Understanding the Role of Anger and Boundaries
For many of us, anger is an emotion we try to suppress. We equate it with aggression, conflict, and destruction. But according to trauma expert and author Brian Mahan, anger can be one of our greatest allies in setting boundaries and reclaiming our personal power.
“Anger will set you free, and boundaries will change the relationship you have with yourself and everyone in your life for the better,” Mahan explains in his interview with Heal Squad with Maria Menounos.
Mahan’s book, I Cried All the Way to Happy Hour, dives deep into the importance of understanding anger, setting boundaries, and how both can lead to personal transformation.
The Connection Between Anger and Boundaries
Many people—especially women—struggle with setting boundaries because they have been conditioned to view anger as negative. Mahan notes that when boundaries are repeatedly breached, anger accumulates and can lead to resentment, anxiety, and even burnout.
“Without anger, we can’t properly care for ourselves or others,” says Mahan. “Healthy anger allows us to set and protect our boundaries, which in turn fosters self-confidence and self-worth.”
How to Set Boundaries Without Guilt
For those who struggle with setting boundaries in relationships, friendships, or the workplace, Mahan offers practical advice:
- Recognize When a Boundary is Breached – Pay attention to moments when you feel disrespected, unseen, or taken advantage of. Your feelings are valid indicators that a boundary has been crossed.
- Express Your Needs Clearly and Non-Punitively – Instead of blaming or attacking, express what you need. For example: “I feel disrespected when meetings start late. I’d appreciate if we could begin on time.” This keeps the focus on your needs rather than the other person’s perceived shortcomings.
- Follow Through on Protecting Boundaries – If a boundary is crossed after you’ve communicated it, be prepared to take action. This may mean leaving a conversation, enforcing a consequence, or even considering changes in your work or personal relationships.
Navigating Workplace Boundaries
Setting boundaries at work can be especially tricky due to hierarchy and power dynamics. Mahan suggests addressing boundary breaches early and professionally. Instead of confronting a manager in the heat of the moment, request a meeting and frame the conversation around collaboration rather than confrontation.
“A good approach is to say, ‘I’d love to schedule five minutes to discuss something with you.’ This allows the person time to prepare, making them less likely to react defensively,” he advises.
Letting Go of Shame Around Anger
One of the reasons people struggle to set boundaries is the deep-seated shame they associate with anger. Mahan explains that shame often collapses anger, making individuals feel weak or incapable of standing up for themselves.
To break this cycle, he suggests using tools like a Burn Journal—a private space to freely express anger without fear of judgment. “Getting anger out of your body and onto paper can be incredibly liberating,” he says.
Rewriting Your Story: The Imaginal Realm Technique
For those with deeply ingrained trauma around anger, Mahan introduces the concept of working within the imaginal realm—a therapeutic technique where individuals revisit past events and reimagine a different outcome. By visualizing a protector stepping in or envisioning themselves responding differently, they can rewire their brain’s response to past trauma.
Boundaries Will Change Your Life
Mahan emphasizes that setting boundaries is not just about relationships with others—it’s about developing a deeper relationship with yourself.
“If you’ve never set boundaries before, start small. Begin with yourself: schedule non-negotiable self-care time, protect your energy, and be mindful of what you allow into your life. Once you establish self-boundaries, it becomes easier to communicate them to others.”
Setting and maintaining boundaries may cause some relationships to change, but as Mahan reminds us, “If someone reacts negatively to your boundaries, it might be a sign that the relationship was only sustainable when you had none.”
For more powerful insights, check out Brian Mahan’s book, I Cried All the Way to Happy Hour, and his website for additional tools and resources.
For more healing and wellness tips, be sure to subscribe to the Heal Squad with Maria Menounos podcast via YouTube or Apple Podcasts.
