Terry Cole on Setting Healthy Boundaries: How to Communicate Clearly and Protect Your Energy
Why Boundaries Matter More Than Ever
Healthy boundaries are crucial for emotional well-being, yet many of us struggle to set and enforce them. According to psychotherapist and author Terry Cole, boundaries are not about being aggressive or distant—they are about being honest and valuing yourself. On Heal Squad with Maria Menounos, Cole shared transformative insights from her book Boundary Boss: The Essential Guide to Talk True, Be Seen, and Finally Live Free, helping us understand why we lack boundaries and how to implement them effectively.
The Root of Boundary Struggles
Why do so many of us find it difficult to set boundaries? According to Cole, most people—especially women—were raised to believe that self-sacrifice equals goodness. “We were praised for being self-abandoning codependents,” she explains. Many of us were conditioned to prioritize being ‘nice’ over being honest, leading to years of overcommitting, people-pleasing, and resentment.
Even emotions like anger were often forbidden. “In my family, anger wasn’t allowed. I had to turn my anger into sadness or depression, which were more acceptable,” Cole shares. This suppression leads to frustration, burnout, and a sense that no one truly sees or values us.
What Are Boundaries, Really?
Boundaries are often misunderstood. They are not about shutting people out but about communicating your desires, limits, and deal-breakers in a clear and confident way. “When we say yes when we really want to say no, we are giving corrupted data about who we are to the people in our lives,” Cole explains. Over time, this leads to disconnection and dissatisfaction in relationships.
She emphasizes that boundaries aren’t just about saying ‘no’—they’re about making clean agreements with others. This means:
- Clearly communicating expectations.
- Setting limits on how much you give and to whom.
- Understanding that saying ‘no’ doesn’t make you a bad person.
High-Functioning Codependency: Are You Over-Responsible?
Many of us struggle with what Cole calls high-functioning codependency, where we over-function for others to the detriment of our own well-being. “We take responsibility for how others feel, make their problems our problems, and invest too much in controlling their outcomes,” she explains.
For example, if a friend is in a toxic relationship, a high-functioning codependent will take it upon themselves to ‘fix’ the situation. Instead, Cole recommends stepping back: “You can love someone without centering yourself as their solution.” This allows the person to take responsibility for their own life, and you to reclaim your energy.
How to Start Setting Boundaries
- Identify What’s Not Okay – Make a list of what behaviors, expectations, or patterns are making you uncomfortable in different areas of your life.
- Communicate Clearly – Whether it’s a friend, partner, or colleague, set expectations in a kind but firm manner. “Transparency is key,” Cole says.
- Practice Saying ‘No’ – Saying no is uncomfortable at first, but it gets easier with practice. Start small and build up.
- Use a Boundary Script – If confrontation is difficult, prepare a simple script. For example, if someone frequently calls to vent about the same problem, you can say: I love you, but we’ve talked about this a lot, and it doesn’t seem to be helping. I trust you’ll figure it out, but I can’t keep having this conversation.
- Expect Resistance – Some people may not like your boundaries, but that’s okay. As Cole reminds us, you are the bouncer of your own VIP section.
The Power of Reframing Guilt
If setting boundaries makes you feel guilty, Cole suggests reframing the situation: “If your best friend were in your position, would you tell them they should have just ‘sucked it up’? Probably not. So why do you do it to yourself?” Recognizing that boundaries are an act of self-respect, not selfishness, can make all the difference.
Final Thoughts
Boundaries are not about pushing people away—they are about fostering healthier relationships and honoring yourself. Learning to set and maintain boundaries may be challenging at first, but the rewards—greater self-respect, improved relationships, and less resentment—are worth it.
For more expert insights and healing conversations, subscribe to Heal Squad with Maria Menounos on YouTube or Apple Podcasts.
