Mastering Boundaries: How to Speak Your Truth and Be Seen with Terry Cole
Why Setting Boundaries is the Key to Living Free
If you’ve ever felt overwhelmed, undervalued, or taken advantage of in your personal or professional life, you’re not alone. Many of us struggle with setting clear, healthy boundaries—often because we were never taught how.
On Heal Squad with Maria Menounos, psychotherapist and author of Boundary Boss, Terry Cole, breaks down the importance of boundaries, why we struggle to set them, and how we can reclaim our personal space and peace.
The Truth About Boundaries: Why We Don’t Set Them
Terry explains that most of us, particularly women, are conditioned to prioritize being “nice” over being truthful. “We were raised and praised for being self-abandoning, codependent, and overly self-sacrificing,” she says. “We’ve been taught that being agreeable is more important than being honest about our needs.”
This leads to what Terry calls high-functioning codependency, where we overextend ourselves to control or manage others’ emotions, decisions, and outcomes—at the expense of our own well-being.
How to Set Boundaries Without Guilt
Learning to set boundaries isn’t about being mean or difficult; it’s about communicating your needs honestly. Terry emphasizes that boundaries are simply about preferences, limits, and deal breakers. Here’s how you can start implementing them in your own life:
- Identify Your Triggers – Pay attention to what makes you feel drained or resentful. If you constantly feel exhausted after certain interactions, there’s likely a boundary being violated.
- Practice Saying No – Start small. Instead of over-explaining, try simple responses like “That doesn’t work for me” or “I won’t be able to do that.”
- Use ‘I’ Statements – Instead of blaming or shaming others, frame your boundary as a personal need. For example, “I need more advance notice before making plans” is clearer and more productive than “You never plan ahead.”
- Stop Over-Apologizing – You don’t owe people an explanation for prioritizing your well-being. A simple “I can’t” is enough.
- Enforce Boundaries with Actions, Not Just Words – If someone repeatedly crosses your boundary, follow through with the consequence. This might mean limiting contact or restructuring the relationship.
Overcoming the Fear of Conflict
One of the biggest hurdles to setting boundaries is the fear of upsetting others. But as Terry points out, “If someone gets mad at you for setting a boundary, that’s a sign that the boundary was necessary.”
She also emphasizes that resentment is a key indicator of weak boundaries. “When we say yes when we really mean no, we’re giving others a false sense of who we are. Over time, this leads to feeling unseen and unloved.”
Boundaries in Action: Maria’s Real-Life Wins
Maria shared her own journey of boundary-setting, including a recent moment when she responded to an invasive question with, “That’s none of your business.” The result? A newfound sense of confidence and relief.
“It felt like I had won the lottery,” she recalls. “It was my first time standing up for myself in that way, and it was so empowering.”
Terry reassures that boundary-setting is a skill that takes practice. “At first, you might feel awkward or even guilty, but over time, it becomes second nature. Boundaries aren’t about shutting people out; they’re about protecting your energy so you can show up fully in the relationships that matter.”
The Path to Becoming a Boundary Boss
Setting boundaries isn’t just about saying no—it’s about saying yes to yourself. By clearly articulating your needs, you invite deeper, more authentic relationships into your life. As Terry reminds us, “You deserve to be seen, known, and loved for who you actually are.”
Want to learn more about how to set and maintain healthy boundaries? Watch or listen to the full interview with Terry Cole on Heal Squad with Maria Menounos.
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