Mastering Boundaries for a Healthier Life with Terri Cole
Why Setting Boundaries is Key to Your Well-Being
As we step into the holiday season, there’s no better time to reflect on boundaries—the invisible lines that protect our emotional, mental, and even physical well-being. Heal Squad with Maria Menounos recently welcomed Terri Cole, the author of Boundary Boss, to break down why setting and protecting your boundaries is crucial for personal growth and healthier relationships.
Boundaries aren’t just about saying “no” to things you don’t want—they’re about saying “yes” to yourself. In this conversation, Cole shares scripts, mindset shifts, and real-life strategies to help you establish boundaries that honor your needs without guilt.
Recognizing Boundary Violations
Most of us don’t realize how often our boundaries are crossed—by friends, family, or even ourselves. Do you ever feel resentment after saying “yes” to something you didn’t want to do? That’s a sign that a boundary has been violated. Cole suggests starting with a resentment inventory—a list of moments when you felt drained, frustrated, or unheard. These situations often highlight where stronger boundaries are needed.
Signs You Need Stronger Boundaries:
- Feeling resentful when someone asks for a favor
- Constantly putting others’ needs before your own
- Feeling drained after certain interactions
- Avoiding confrontation at all costs
- Saying “yes” when you really want to say “no”
How to Set and Maintain Boundaries
1. Use Clear and Direct Language
If you struggle with boundary-setting, having scripts prepared can help. Cole suggests a simple approach when dealing with a friend who only talks about themselves:
Try this: “Hey [Name], I love hearing about your life, but I’d really love to share some of my news first before we dive into yours. Can we try that today?”
This makes your needs clear while maintaining kindness and connection.
2. Practice on Low-Stakes Situations
If setting boundaries with loved ones feels overwhelming, start with small, everyday situations. For example, if your restaurant order is wrong, politely ask for it to be corrected. Practicing in these minor moments builds confidence for bigger conversations.
3. Give Yourself Permission to Disappoint Others
One of the biggest roadblocks to setting boundaries is the fear of disappointing others. But as Cole reminds us, “You’re not responsible for other people’s emotions.” If someone reacts negatively to your boundary, it doesn’t mean you did something wrong—it means they were benefiting from you having none.
Helpful Script: “I know this might not be what you wanted to hear, but I have to honor my needs too.”
Navigating Boundaries with Family (Especially During the Holidays!)
Family dynamics can be some of the toughest when it comes to boundaries. Whether it’s an overbearing relative or a parent who refuses to respect your personal space, setting firm limits is essential.
1. Define Your Limits in Advance
Before holiday gatherings, think about what behavior is acceptable to you and where you draw the line. If a relative asks intrusive questions, Cole suggests responding with:
“Why do you ask?” – This simple question puts the pressure back on them and stops prying conversations in their tracks.
2. Enforce Consequences for Repeat Boundary Violators
Some family members will push back, but boundaries without consequences aren’t boundaries—they’re suggestions. If someone repeatedly disregards your requests, let them know the consequence:
Example: “Dad, I’ve told you I don’t want certain people visiting our home. If you continue to invite them, I’ll have to spend less time here.”
Holding firm, even when it’s uncomfortable, sends a message that you take your boundaries seriously.
Overcoming Guilt and People-Pleasing
Many of us struggle with guilt when asserting boundaries, especially if we were raised to prioritize others’ needs over our own. Cole challenges us to ask: “Am I feeling guilty because I did something wrong, or because someone else is upset?”
A game-changing tool is Cole’s 48-hour rule: when you set a boundary and feel guilty afterward, give yourself 48 hours before reconsidering. More often than not, you’ll find that the guilt fades, and you’ll feel empowered by standing your ground.
Boundaries Are a Form of Self-Respect
When you consistently set and uphold boundaries, people begin to respect you more—not less. As Cole puts it, “When you’re a giver, you’re the one who has to set the limits—because takers never will.”
Protecting your peace is not selfish; it’s essential. If someone walks away from your life because you asserted your needs, let them. True relationships will withstand healthy boundaries.
For more on mastering boundaries, be sure to check out **Terri Cole’s book, Boundary Boss ** and listen to the full interview on Heal Squad with Maria Menounos.
Final Takeaway
Setting boundaries isn’t about being mean or shutting people out—it’s about ensuring your relationships are based on mutual respect, not obligation or guilt. As you move into this holiday season, consider this: What is one boundary you can start implementing today?
For more healing and wellness tips, be sure to subscribe to the Heal Squad with Maria Menounos podcast via YouTube or Apple Podcasts.
