Breaking Free from Overgiving and Overworking: Gabby Bernstein’s Path to Healing
In a world that often rewards busyness and self-sacrifice, it’s easy to fall into patterns of overgiving and overworking. But what if these behaviors are more than just habits? What if they are coping mechanisms for deeper emotional wounds? Bestselling author and spiritual teacher Gabby Bernstein explores this in her latest book, Self-Help: The Life-Changing Practice of Internal Family Systems Therapy. In a recent conversation on Heal Squad, Gabby shared profound insights into breaking these cycles and reconnecting with our true selves.
Are You an Overgiver?
One of the first steps to healing, according to Gabby, is recognizing the signs of overgiving and overworking. Ask yourself:
- Are you constantly burnt out?
- Do you prioritize others’ needs at the expense of your well-being?
- If you’re not giving, do you feel unworthy or inadequate?
- Do you struggle to say “no” without guilt?
Many high-functioning individuals wear their overachieving tendencies as a badge of honor, but Gabby warns that these behaviors often stem from deep-seated fears of not being enough. “Anytime we’re over-anything—over-drinking, overworking, overcontrolling—we’re doing something to escape an impermissible feeling inside,” she explains.
The Root Cause: Our Exiled Emotions
In Self-Help, Gabby introduces the concept of “Exiles,” a term from Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy that refers to the parts of ourselves that hold extreme feelings from childhood—terror, fear, inadequacy, and unworthiness. These emotions were too big for us to process as children and, without the proper tools, they remain buried within us as adults. Instead of facing them, we distract ourselves with work, service, or even addictions.
Recognizing this is key: We are not inherently over-givers or workaholics—we have simply developed these identities as protection mechanisms.
A Four-Step Process to Healing
Gabby outlines a simple but powerful four-step process to begin shifting these ingrained patterns:
- Check-In: Instead of automatically responding to your impulse to give or overwork, take a moment to turn inward.
- Get Curious: Ask yourself where this need is coming from. What emotions arise? What do they remind you of?
- Compassionately Connect: Treat this part of yourself with kindness. Ask it, “What do you need?” The answers might surprise you—it could be rest, comfort, or simply reassurance.
- Observe the Shift: As you begin to meet your inner needs, you’ll feel subtle changes—calmness, clarity, and even relief. Over time, this practice helps create new, healthier responses.
The Power of Self-Compassion
For those who struggle with overgiving, self-compassion is the game-changer. Gabby notes that many people fear letting go of these behaviors because they equate them with love and purpose. “But when we learn to check in rather than check out, we realize that we don’t have to deplete ourselves to be valuable,” she emphasizes.
Gabby’s insights resonated deeply with Heal Squad host Maria Menounos, who reflected on how her upbringing shaped her workaholic tendencies. “I became the boss in my house because I had to be the translator for my family. I had to help my mom with everything. I had to take care of my dad,” Maria shared. “And now, I see that my natural state is actually different. But I was conditioned to believe that if I wasn’t doing, I wasn’t enough.”
Integrating Spirituality into Healing
Beyond therapy, Gabby emphasizes the role of spirituality in healing. Her number one tool? Prayer.
“When you don’t have the capacity to check in, when your emotions feel too overwhelming, prayer can be a lifeline,” she says. Whether it’s a simple, “Help me,” or a gratitude practice in the morning, spiritual connection can provide a sense of grounding and peace.
Reclaiming Your Authentic Self
Ultimately, the goal is not just to stop overgiving but to rediscover who you were before life’s pressures shaped you into someone else. Gabby encourages us to embrace the childlike qualities of joy, curiosity, and creativity. “Self-energy is playful, free, and at ease. The more we release our burdens, the more we return to our natural state.”
For those eager to embark on this journey, Gabby’s book, Self-Help, provides guided check-ins and exercises to support this transformation.
Final Thought: Healing is not about becoming someone new—it’s about returning to who you truly are. By acknowledging our Exiles, embracing self-compassion, and integrating these four steps into our daily lives, we can break free from the cycle of overgiving and step into a life of balance, authenticity, and joy.
