Terri Cole on Setting Boundaries
Have you ever felt like you’re constantly overcommitting, struggling to say no, or feeling drained by relationships that take more than they give? If so, you’re not alone. Setting boundaries isn’t just about saying no—it’s about reclaiming your energy, being seen, and protecting your well-being. In a powerful episode of Heal Squad with Maria Menounos, psychotherapist and author Terry Cole, writer of Boundary Boss: The Essential Guide to Talk True, Be Seen, and Finally Live Free, dives deep into why boundaries matter and how they can transform your life.
What Are Boundaries and Why Do We Struggle With Them?
According to Cole, most of us were never taught how to set boundaries. In fact, especially for women, we were raised to do the opposite—praised for being self-sacrificing, agreeable, and accommodating.
“We learned that the more self-abandoning you are, the better you are as a person,” says Cole. “To be ‘nice’ was seen as more important than being honest, strong, or ambitious.”
Boundaries, as Cole defines them, are simply your personal limits, preferences, and deal-breakers in relationships. But because many of us weren’t taught how to recognize or enforce them, we often struggle with over giving, over functioning, and feeling guilty when we finally put ourselves first.
Signs You Have Weak Boundaries
If you’re unsure whether you struggle with boundaries, Cole suggests looking at your daily interactions and emotional responses. Some common signs include:
- Saying yes when you want to say no
- Feeling resentful toward people who constantly demand your time or energy
- Avoiding difficult conversations for fear of conflict
- Feeling like you have to manage other people’s emotions or outcomes
- Feeling exhausted or emotionally drained by certain relationships
One of the biggest misconceptions about boundaries is that they make you “mean” or “selfish.” In reality, they help you build healthier relationships by fostering honesty and respect.
How to Start Setting Boundaries
If you’re new to setting boundaries, Cole suggests taking small but intentional steps. Here are a few ways to get started:
- Recognize Your Patterns: Start by identifying situations where you feel overextended or resentful. These are clear signs that boundaries are needed.
- Use Clear, Direct Communication: Instead of passive-aggressive hints, state your needs in a straightforward but kind manner. For example, instead of saying, “I’m really busy,” say, “I can’t commit to that right now.”
- Practice Saying No Without Over-Explaining: You don’t need a long justification for prioritizing yourself. A simple “I’m not available” is enough.
- Be Consistent: Setting a boundary once isn’t enough—you have to enforce it consistently for people to respect it.
- Expect Pushback: Some people may resist your boundaries, especially if they’ve benefited from you having none. That doesn’t mean you should abandon them.
The Link Between Boundaries and Codependency
One of the key insights Cole shares is that weak boundaries often lead to codependency—a pattern where we feel overly responsible for other people’s emotions and decisions.
“We always think we know what’s best for others,” says Cole. “But in reality, we don’t have the power to decide what lessons they need to learn.”
Rather than exhausting yourself trying to fix or save others, Cole encourages stepping back and letting them take responsibility for their own lives. This shift not only empowers them but also frees you from unnecessary stress and emotional exhaustion.
How to Handle Boundary Violations
Even with the best intentions, there will be moments when people test or ignore your boundaries. When this happens, Cole recommends:
- Addressing It Immediately: Don’t wait for resentment to build—clarify your boundary as soon as you notice it being crossed.
- Staying Firm Without Guilt: You don’t need to apologize for protecting your well-being.
- Using “I” Statements: Instead of blaming, express how the situation affects you. For example, “I feel overwhelmed when I take on extra work without being asked.”
- Knowing When to Walk Away: If someone repeatedly disrespects your boundaries, it may be necessary to distance yourself from them.
Final Thoughts: The Freedom of Boundaries
Setting and maintaining boundaries isn’t easy, but it’s a crucial step toward living a more peaceful, fulfilling life. By learning to say no, prioritizing your own well-being, and fostering relationships built on mutual respect, you can reclaim your energy and finally be seen for who you truly are.
For more insights on setting boundaries and improving your relationships, listen to the full conversation with Terry Cole on Heal Squad with Maria Menounos.
For more healing and wellness tips, be sure to subscribe to the Heal Squad with Maria Menounos podcast via YouTube or Apple Podcasts.
