Why Trying to “Fix” Your Partner’s Problems Can Make Them Feel Worse

Someone you love is upset.

Maybe they had a terrible day at work. They’re overwhelmed by something happening in the family. They’re anxious about a decision. Or they’re frustrated with something you did.

So you do what seems helpful.

You offer a solution.

Here’s what you should do.

Don’t worry about it.

It’s going to be fine.

I’ll take care of it.

This is how we can fix it.

Problem solved—right?

Not necessarily.

Relationship coach Stefanos Sifandos says one of the most common mistakes people make during emotionally charged conversations is listening to solve rather than listening to understand.

Sometimes the person in front of you isn’t asking you to make the problem disappear.

They want to know that you’ve actually heard them.

Why Solutions Aren’t Always the First Thing Someone Needs

Solutions aren’t bad.

There are plenty of times when practical advice is exactly what’s needed.

But Sifandos says emotional conversations often require something first: connection.

He shares an example from his own marriage. During a session with a couples coach, his wife was talking about something difficult. Sifandos noticed himself becoming defensive while simultaneously trying to figure out the solution.

Then he realized she wasn’t asking him for one.

“All she wanted was to be heard in that moment,” he says.

That’s an important distinction.

When someone is distressed, immediately jumping to here’s what you need to do can unintentionally communicate something very different:

Let’s get past this.

Your feeling is a problem that needs fixing.

I already know the answer.

Instead of feeling supported, the person may feel even more alone.

Listening Is Different From Waiting for Your Turn to Talk

Most of us know how to remain silent while another person is speaking.

That’s not necessarily listening.

While they’re talking, we’re often preparing.

Our defense.

Our explanation.

Our advice.

Our counterargument.

The thing they misunderstood.

The evidence proving we’re right.

Sifandos recommends something different: listen for the sake of listening.

Don’t listen so you can respond.

Listen so you can understand what the other person is actually experiencing.

That can be surprisingly difficult, particularly when the conversation is about you.

Try the Mirroring, Validation and Empathy Process

Sifandos describes a three-step communication technique drawn from the Imago approach:

Mirroring. Validation. Empathy.

The process deliberately slows down a conversation so both people have a better chance of understanding each other before reacting.

Here’s how it works.

1. Mirror What You Heard

Let the other person speak without interrupting.

When they’re finished, reflect back what you heard.

For example:

“What I heard you say is that when I made that decision without talking to you, you felt like your opinion didn’t matter.”

Then ask:

“Is that accurate? Did I miss anything?”

This part matters.

You’re not telling them what they meant.

You’re checking whether you actually understood them.

If they say you missed something, let them explain.

Then mirror again.

The goal isn’t agreement yet.

It’s understanding.

2. Validate Their Experience

Validation doesn’t mean saying the other person is objectively right about everything.

It means acknowledging that you can understand how they arrived at their experience.

You might say:

“I can understand why that would have been difficult for you.”

Or:

“Given what happened before, I can see why this situation would have brought that back up.”

This can be particularly important during conflict because couples often become trapped in a battle over whose version of events is correct.

But two people can experience the same event differently.

Understanding your partner’s experience doesn’t require surrendering your own.

3. Add Empathy

Now move from understanding what happened to recognizing how it may have felt.

“I imagine that felt lonely.”

“That must have been frustrating.”

“I can see how you might have felt disconnected from me.”

Again, you’re not necessarily admitting wrongdoing.

You’re demonstrating that the other person’s emotional experience matters to you.

Sifandos argues that being heard, validated and seen can reduce the sense of threat that often drives conflict.

Once that happens, the original issue may become much easier to discuss.

You Don’t Have to Solve Everything in the Same Conversation

There’s another interesting part of the process.

After one person has expressed themselves, the other person doesn’t necessarily immediately get their “turn.”

Why?

Because the first person may not yet be emotionally ready to listen.

If that’s the case, Sifandos recommends scheduling another time for the second person to express their perspective.

That may feel inefficient.

But compare it with what couples often do instead.

One person shares a grievance.

The other immediately fires back.

Then the first person defends themselves.

Now both people are talking about five previous arguments.

Twenty minutes later, nobody remembers what started the fight.

Slowing the conversation down may actually help keep it from becoming a competition.

Feeling Heard May Help Lower the Temperature

Sifandos describes an important shift that can happen when someone genuinely feels heard.

They may become less defensive.

Less threatened.

More regulated.

And more capable of continuing the conversation.

“When we feel heard, we don’t feel threatened,” he says.

That’s why trying to prove your point too quickly can backfire.

If the other person is still trying desperately to convince you that their feelings matter, they’re probably not particularly interested in hearing your brilliant solution.

Connection may need to come before problem-solving.

The “Fix It” Response Can Be Hard to Turn Off

During the interview, Heal Squad’s Keven Undergaro recognizes the pattern immediately.

When a crisis occurs, his instinct is to jump in:

It’s going to be fine.

Here’s what we’re going to do.

Don’t worry.

He realizes that although he’s trying to help, the response hasn’t always helped the person he’s trying to support.

Sifandos describes this solution orientation as something often associated with a more masculine approach: identify the problem, determine the goal and fix it.

But he also makes clear that solutions do have a place.

The issue is timing.

During emotional connection, the first need may simply be:

Hear me. Understand me. Stay with me for a minute.

The solution can come later.

Even Relationship Experts Fall Into Old Patterns

One of the more reassuring parts of the conversation is that Sifandos doesn’t present himself as someone who has mastered relationships.

He openly describes becoming defensive, sarcastic or angry at times and slipping back into patterns connected to growing up in a violent and volatile environment.

Despite teaching relationship skills professionally, he and his wife work with a couples coach.

Not because their relationship is necessarily in crisis.

Because they value it.

Sifandos says outside support can help couples see dynamics they’re too emotionally involved in to recognize themselves.

“We don’t know what we don’t know,” he says.

That’s a useful reframing of relationship support.

You don’t necessarily have to wait until a relationship is collapsing before asking for help.

Healthy Relationships Still Require Practice

Knowing a communication technique intellectually doesn’t mean you’ll automatically remember it during an argument.

Sifandos knows the techniques.

He teaches them.

And he still catches himself becoming defensive.

That’s because relationships aren’t lived on paper.

They’re happening while we’re tired.

Stressed.

Scared.

Overwhelmed.

Triggered by something from the past.

Trying to get the kids to bed.

Running late.

Worried about money.

The goal isn’t perfect communication.

It’s becoming better at recognizing when you’ve fallen into an old pattern—and repairing it sooner.

Try This Before Giving Advice

The next time someone you care about brings you a problem, resist the urge to immediately fix it.

Ask one question first:

“Do you want me to help you figure this out, or do you just need me to listen right now?”

If they want you to listen, listen.

Then try the three steps:

Mirror: What did I hear?

Validate: Why might their experience make sense?

Empathize: What might this feel like for them?

Only after they feel understood should you worry about what comes next.

Because sometimes the most helpful thing you can give someone isn’t an answer.

It’s the experience of knowing that, for a few minutes, they didn’t have to fight to be heard.