Is Your Partner Supposed to Be Your Best Friend? Why One Relationship Can’t Meet Every Need

Your partner should be your best friend.

Your soulmate.

Your confidant.

Your biggest supporter.

Your romantic partner.

The person who understands you better than anyone else.

It sounds like the definition of a great relationship. But relationship expert Dr. Pepper Schwartz says expecting one person to fulfill every emotional, social and romantic need may actually put too much pressure on a relationship.

In a Heal Squad conversation, Schwartz, a sociologist and longtime expert on Married at First Sight, challenges one of our most familiar ideas about love: that the strongest relationships are those in which two people become everything to each other.

Her advice is almost the opposite.

Build a strong relationship—but build a strong life around it, too.

Your Partner Doesn’t Have to Be Everything

Modern relationships can carry enormous expectations.

We want a partner who provides romance and sexual intimacy, but also emotional support, companionship, friendship, security and thoughtful advice.

And when they aren’t exceptional at all of those things, it can feel as though something is missing.

Schwartz says that’s an unrealistic standard.

“We can’t be everything at an Olympic level,” she says.

Instead, she recommends identifying the qualities that are truly essential to you in a partner and allowing some flexibility around the rest.

Maybe having someone who has your back is essential.

Maybe honesty is non-negotiable.

Maybe affection, shared values or building a future together matter most.

But does that same person also have to be your best confidant, favorite travel companion, therapist, hobby partner and source of every social need?

Not necessarily.

The “Best Friend” Expectation Can Create Disappointment

Calling your spouse your best friend can be wonderful—if that’s genuinely the relationship you have.

The problem comes when “my partner should be my best friend” becomes a requirement.

If your closest friend has spent years developing a particular kind of emotional connection with you, your partner may not communicate in exactly the same way.

That doesn’t automatically mean your romantic relationship is lacking.

Schwartz argues that people can get different needs met through different relationships.

A friend may be the person you call when you need to talk something through.

A sibling may understand your family history better than anyone.

Your partner may be the person you trust to stand beside you when you’re sick, worried or facing a major life decision.

These relationships don’t necessarily compete with each other.

They can complement each other.

Think of Your Life Like a Table

Schwartz offers a useful analogy.

Imagine your life as a table.

If the table has only one pedestal supporting it, everything depends on that single point.

If the pedestal breaks, the entire table falls.

But imagine the table has seven or eight legs.

One leg might be your relationship.

Others might include:

Your career.

Children or family.

Friends.

Faith or a spiritual community.

Hobbies.

Volunteer work.

Personal interests.

If one part of life becomes shaky, the entire structure doesn’t necessarily collapse.

“If you have them all,” Schwartz explains, “then you don’t put so much stress on just one leg to support the whole deal.”

The relationship remains important.

It just doesn’t have to carry the weight of your entire emotional world.

Healthy Couples Still Need Space

Being close doesn’t require being together constantly.

Schwartz says one important concept in relationships is differentiation—remaining your own person while also being part of a couple.

That might mean having hobbies your partner doesn’t share.

Seeing friends independently.

Taking a walk alone.

Watching a movie your partner isn’t interested in.

Keeping a private journal.

Or simply saying:

I need some time to myself.

That isn’t necessarily rejection.

It can be part of maintaining an individual identity.

“We are our own person,” Schwartz says, “and we’re stronger together if we’re stronger individually.”

Needing Time Alone Doesn’t Mean Something Is Wrong

People sometimes interpret a desire for space as evidence of a relationship problem.

Why don’t I want to spend every minute with this person?

Why do I enjoy being alone when they’re gone?

Shouldn’t we want to do everything together?

Schwartz pushes back against that thinking.

Relationships exist within larger lives. People have friendships, work, interests and internal worlds of their own.

Privacy and independence can coexist with commitment.

That means it’s okay to tell your partner:

I love you. I’m here for you. But right now, I need some space.

A healthy relationship can make room for both connection and individuality.

Stop Comparing Your Relationship to Someone Else’s Rules

Schwartz’s own marriage illustrates another part of her philosophy.

She and her husband had both been married previously and had established lives in different places. He preferred living near the water; she preferred the mountains.

Their solution?

They remained married while maintaining separate homes about an hour apart and spending time at each other’s houses.

Schwartz isn’t suggesting other couples should do the same.

That’s precisely the point.

There isn’t one arrangement every successful relationship has to follow.

What works while raising young children may not work later in life.

What worked at 30 may not be right at 60.

Circumstances change.

People change.

Relationships can adapt.

The questions become:

Who are we now?

What do we need now?

What allows each of us to be happy individually while still honoring our commitment to each other?

The “You Are My Everything” Ideal Can Be Too Much

Romantic culture loves absolutes.

You’re my everything.

You’re the only person I need.

You complete me.

They’re beautiful sentiments.

But as a blueprint for everyday life, they can create an enormous burden.

Schwartz argues that our expectations of romantic partners have actually expanded at the same time our lives have become increasingly complicated.

Work.

Children.

Technology.

Phones.

Social obligations.

Constant availability.

And somehow, amid all of that, one person is expected to be an extraordinary romantic partner, parent, friend, confidant and source of emotional fulfillment.

Her suggestion isn’t to expect less from relationships.

It’s to expect the right things.

What are the qualities you truly need to build a life with someone?

Focus there.

Then give your partner some grace around the rest.

A Relationship Doesn’t Have to Be Perfect to Be Good

Schwartz has seen this firsthand through Married at First Sight.

One lesson she says the experience taught her is that people can develop love with a wider variety of partners than they may realize.

That challenges another familiar romantic idea:

There’s only one person out there for me.

Schwartz doesn’t believe people should settle for a clearly wrong relationship.

But she distinguishes that from finding someone who has the essential qualities you’re looking for and allowing the relationship to grow.

“If you’re with the mostly right person,” she says, “you can grow that into a really great relationship.”

Trust develops.

Shared experiences accumulate.

People learn each other.

Love can deepen.

The relationship may not begin as a fairy tale—and it doesn’t necessarily need to.

Look at Your Happiness-to-Unhappiness Ratio

Of course, accepting imperfection doesn’t mean remaining in a relationship that repeatedly hurts you.

Schwartz offers a straightforward question for people caught in an on-again, off-again relationship:

What’s the ratio of happiness to unhappiness?

Some relationships survive on extraordinary highs.

There’s a breakup.

Then reconciliation.

A wonderful weekend.

Another rejection.

Hope returns.

Then heartbreak.

Schwartz describes how someone can receive just enough reinforcement to keep believing the relationship will eventually become what they want it to be.

The occasional high can become incredibly powerful.

But instead of evaluating only those moments, she suggests looking at the entire relationship.

Are you happy most of the time?

Or are you spending most of your life waiting for the next good moment?

Sometimes a Great Romance Isn’t a Great Relationship

Schwartz makes an important distinction when discussing these cycles:

Sometimes something feels extraordinary because it’s a romance rather than a functioning relationship.

The longing can be intense.

The reunion can feel euphoric.

The uncertainty can make every positive interaction feel more meaningful.

But intensity isn’t necessarily the same thing as compatibility.

If someone repeatedly breaks your heart, Schwartz recommends paying attention to the pattern rather than assuming the next reconciliation will finally change it.

That can be difficult when you’re emotionally attached.

She even compares some relationship cycles to addiction because the person continues returning despite knowing how much pain the relationship causes.

In those situations, therapy can help someone explore why a particular relationship feels so difficult to leave.

When Someone Tells You They Don’t Want Commitment, Believe Them

Another relationship trap?

Assuming you can change someone.

If a person tells you they aren’t interested in commitment, Schwartz’s advice is remarkably uncomplicated:

Believe them.

Don’t automatically translate:

I don’t want a relationship.

into:

They haven’t met the right person yet.

And especially don’t assume:

I’ll be the person who changes them.

People can change over time.

But building a relationship around the hope that someone will eventually become a fundamentally different partner can cost years.

As Schwartz puts it, the question isn’t merely whether someone might change someday.

It’s:

What do you want those years to look like?

Be Careful What You Say When You’re Angry

One lesson Schwartz says she has learned from observing couples on Married at First Sight is how damaging words can become during conflict.

People can say things in anger that their partner remembers for years.

Her advice is simple: when you’re furious, sometimes the healthiest move is to leave the room temporarily rather than deliver the most hurtful thing you can think of.

Because an argument may end.

The sentence you said during it may not.

“Words matter,” Schwartz says.

That doesn’t mean avoiding difficult conversations.

It means remembering that how you fight can matter just as much as what you’re fighting about.

Build a Relationship That Fits the People Actually Living It

Perhaps the most useful message from Schwartz is that healthy relationships aren’t built by perfectly following someone else’s formula.

They’re built by two people figuring out what matters to them.

Commitment matters.

Trust matters.

Having each other’s back matters.

So does individuality.

Friendship outside the relationship.

Personal interests.

Space.

And the ability to reevaluate what works as life changes.

Your partner doesn’t necessarily need to be your everything.

In fact, expecting them to be may make it harder to appreciate everything they already are.

Build the relationship.

But build the friendships, interests, purpose and individual life around it, too.

Because the strongest relationship may not be two people who need nothing outside each other.

It may be two whole lives choosing to build something together.