Why Your Partner Shouldn’t Be Your Everything with Dr. Pepper Schwartz
In a world where “you’re my everything” has become the hallmark of romantic relationships, is it time to rethink our expectations? Relationship expert and Married at First Sight psychologist Dr. Pepper Schwartz joined Heal Squad with Maria Menounos to discuss why relying on your partner for all your emotional, social, and psychological needs can actually hurt your relationship rather than strengthen it.
The Myth of “You’re My Best Friend”
We’ve all heard the common relationship advice: “Your spouse should be your best friend.” But Dr. Schwartz warns that this expectation can set couples up for disappointment.
“If you expect your partner to fulfill the same role as your best friend, you’re likely to be let down,” says Dr. Schwartz. Women, in particular, have developed deep emotional bonds with friends throughout their lives, whereas many men often don’t develop that same level of emotional intimacy outside their romantic relationships.
Rather than pressuring your spouse to meet every need, Dr. Schwartz encourages couples to take a balanced approach. “Think of your relationship like a table with multiple legs—work, hobbies, family, community, and friendships. If one leg wobbles, the table still stands. But if you make your spouse the only leg of that table, any instability can topple the entire structure.”
The Power of Differentiation in Relationships
One of the most important aspects of a strong relationship is differentiation—the ability to be your own person while still being part of a couple.
“There’s a pressure to always be together and fulfill every need for your partner, but that’s not realistic,” says Dr. Schwartz. “In previous generations, women were expected to be ever-present for their husbands. Now, we know that taking time for yourself—whether it’s reading a book, taking a solo walk, or pursuing a personal hobby—strengthens, rather than weakens, your bond.”
Taking time apart isn’t about disconnection—it’s about self-preservation. Couples who foster individual growth tend to have healthier, more fulfilling relationships because they bring more to the table.
Can Expecting Too Much Hurt Your Intimacy?
Dr. Schwartz believes that expecting your partner to be your everything can also negatively impact intimacy.
“When one person feels overwhelmed by the weight of another’s expectations, it can create resentment. It’s important to ask yourself, ‘What are the core things I truly need in a partner?’ Then, give them grace in the areas that aren’t essential.”
For example, a partner might be great at providing emotional support but less skilled at handling conflict or giving deep advice. If you measure your partner against an impossible standard, you’ll always feel like something is lacking.
Instead, Dr. Schwartz suggests thinking of relationships in terms of what’s most essential: “Does your partner have your back? Do they show up for you when it truly matters? If the answer is yes, that’s what counts.”
Rethinking the Fairytale: Finding Happiness in Reality
Many people hold onto the belief that love should be effortless and magical—a soulmate should instinctively understand and fulfill all of their needs. But as Dr. Schwartz explains, relationships that thrive are built on conscious effort, not fairy tale ideals.
“We’re conditioned by movies and love stories to believe in ‘the one,’” she says. “But research shows that people can fall in love and build meaningful relationships with multiple people over the course of their lives. It’s about compatibility, commitment, and shared values—not destiny.”
Rather than searching for perfection, focus on shared goals, mutual respect, and a willingness to grow together. “People don’t just fall into lasting love; they build it over time through trust, communication, and compromise.”
What to Do If You Feel Trapped in a Toxic Cycle
If you find yourself stuck in an on-again, off-again relationship, where your partner repeatedly disappoints you but you keep going back, Dr. Schwartz says it may be a form of love addiction.
“There’s a reason why people stay in unhealthy relationships—it’s often tied to unresolved emotional needs, sometimes from childhood,” she explains.
Breaking free requires self-awareness, support, and sometimes therapy. “Look at the ratio of happiness to unhappiness in your relationship. If you are constantly struggling and only experiencing fleeting moments of joy, it may be time to move on.”
The Future of Love: Adapting to Change
As relationships evolve over time, so should the rules we set for them. Dr. Schwartz shared how she and her husband maintain a happy marriage by living in separate homes an hour apart. “It works for us at this stage in life,” she says. “What works at one point in your relationship may not be the right fit years later. It’s okay to reassess and make changes that work for both of you.”
Ultimately, relationships thrive when both partners feel fulfilled as individuals. By letting go of unrealistic expectations and embracing flexibility, couples can create lasting, meaningful partnerships.
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