Healthy Boundaries and Finally Be Seen with Terri Cole
Have you ever felt unseen, unheard, or taken for granted in your relationships? If so, the issue might not be the people around you—it might be your lack of boundaries. In a powerful conversation on Heal Squad with Maria Menounos, renowned psychotherapist and author of Boundary Boss, Terri Cole, dives deep into the art of setting and maintaining boundaries for a healthier, more fulfilling life.
Why Boundaries Matter for Your Well-Being
Boundaries aren’t about controlling others—they’re about protecting yourself. According to Cole, when we fail to set boundaries, we sacrifice our own needs and desires to please others. The result? Frustration, resentment, and, ultimately, a loss of our true selves.
“Boundaries allow you to be seen, known, and loved for who you actually are,” says Cole. If you’re constantly adjusting your behavior to keep the peace or avoid conflict, you may be unknowingly hiding your true self from the world.
How to Identify Where You Need Boundaries
A simple way to determine where you need to set boundaries is to conduct a resentment inventory. Make a list of moments when you felt frustrated, drained, or taken advantage of. These feelings often signal a lack of boundaries in that area of your life.
Some key indicators include:
- Feeling exhausted after interacting with certain people.
- Resentment toward a friend or family member who never reciprocates.
- Anxiety about declining requests or saying “no.”
Practical Steps to Set and Enforce Boundaries
Setting boundaries isn’t just about saying no—it’s about clear, proactive communication. Here are Cole’s essential strategies for creating healthy limits:
1. Use “I” Statements to Express Your Needs
Instead of blaming or accusing, express your needs in a way that prioritizes your feelings. For example:
- Instead of: “You never listen to me!”
- Try: “I feel unheard when I don’t get the chance to share my thoughts.”
2. Set Expectations Clearly and Early
If you have a friend who monopolizes conversations without asking about your life, address it directly. Cole suggests saying something like:
“Hey, I love hearing about what’s going on with you, but I’d also love to share some updates on my life, too. Let’s make sure we both get time to talk.”
3. Hold Firm Against Repeat Offenders
Some people will continue to push your boundaries no matter how many times you reinforce them. These “boundary destroyers” often rely on guilt or manipulation to override your limits. Cole’s advice? Be consistent and follow through with consequences. If someone continues to disrespect your boundaries, create space between you and that person.
4. Adopt the 48-Hour Rule
If setting boundaries makes you feel guilty, give yourself 48 hours before you respond. Cole recommends practicing self-soothing techniques and sitting with the discomfort before deciding whether to adjust your boundary. More often than not, you’ll realize that standing your ground was the right move.
Overcoming Guilt and Shame Around Boundaries
Many people, especially those raised in enmeshed families or cultures, struggle with guilt when asserting boundaries. Cole reminds us that setting boundaries isn’t selfish—it’s self-care. She advises asking yourself:
“Am I feeling guilty because I did something wrong, or because someone is unhappy with my decision?”
If it’s the latter, recognize that you are not responsible for managing other people’s emotions.
The Impact of Healthy Boundaries
When you start setting boundaries, your relationships may shift—sometimes dramatically. Some people may walk away, while others will respect you more. Either way, boundaries will help you create a life filled with mutual respect and emotional well-being.
“If a friendship is so fragile that a simple boundary request causes it to end, that tells you everything you need to know about that relationship,” Cole explains.
Final Thoughts
Creating and maintaining healthy boundaries is a journey, not a one-time event. By asserting your needs with confidence, staying firm against boundary violators, and overcoming guilt, you can reclaim your voice and truly be seen.
For more healing and wellness tips, be sure to subscribe to the Heal Squad with Maria Menounos podcast via YouTube or Apple Podcasts.
